I awoke this morning to my kids fighting. My son said to his sister, he’s your grandpa too. She said no he’s not. My son said yes he is. She said, well, how come I’ve never seen him? How come he never sends me birthday presents or cards? How come he never sends me beautiful dresses like everyone else? How come I’ve never talked to him? Then, they calmly ask me: is he really the grandpa of both of us?
My answer? I didn’t have one, I gave them cookies to take the discussion away. G’pa has seen his granddaughter one time in the last four years. Literally one time, for about three hours, two years ago, at my undergrad graduation. He had not seen her for two years before that. He lives two hours away (from both my undergrad college and my law school, he lives between the two, oddly enough). He has not, in the four years, sent her a Christmas card, a birthday card, presents, nor called, nor even asked about her. Nothing. He see’s my son occasionally, when my son’s mother brings him by during the occasional summer visit.
When he visited two years ago to drop in to my graduation, he told her, and us, he was sorry he had missed her the last two years, and he would not go without being a grandfather any longer. Since that time, he has not seen her. He hasn’t even asked how she is. He said, three weeks ago when I sent him a message, “well, every time I see her you send me a nasty note.” Interesting, because he hasn’t seen her. In fact, until last Christmas, we had been in his town at least once a month for the first year and a half of my law school career, and every time we called and emailed prior to our coming in, to let him know we were coming. He would say ok, I can’t wait.
Then, we’d get into town, and he would not be home. He wouldn’t answer his phone, and after we’d stay the day and visit other family and friends who also live there, then, a couple of days later, he would send me an email and apologize, and say “sorry, something came up that I had to do.” For example, once he had to go get groceries, once, he had to take his boat to the dock, once, he simply forgot to go home, and the last time, he said “I’ll call you that morning because I will be out until lunch time,” then, after he didn’t call, answer his phone, and he never came home (we drove to his house several times looking for him, well, the next day he said “I had to go put a sink in my garage.” And, he furthered it with “getting my sink in my garage is more important than seeing my granddaughter.” I didn’t talk to him until Christmas (three months later) and he said “I’m not sending presents this year either, you can come here and get them, but I won’t be home, and if you don’t drive here, I’m not getting the kids anything.” So, he didn’t. Later, he said it was kind of mean to have said that, but he felt it was my fault and that by coming into town, I had brought the whole thing on.
Why air this dirty laundry to the internet you ask? Well, first, my family doesn’t read my blog. I know this because my father uses the computer for, um, uneducational purposes, and the rest of my family couldn’t care less. Second, aside from a couple of people, I don’t have anyone to rant to so the internet always listens. Third, I don’t want to waste any energy discussing it with my father because it turns into some sort of “it’s your fault I can’t see my grandkids” even though he hasn’t seen her for four years.
Moral: everyone has a jacked up person in the family, usually it’s a crazy uncle who drinks or likes to visit the county pokey. In my family, it’s g’pa, and that sucks. I can’t wait for another few years when my kids have a real discussion, because they are a little grown up, about this elusive g’pa and why he visits one grandchild but refuses to see the other one. No judge will ever hear a better discussion about alienation, I’m positive…
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